#1

I never think of myself as depressed but lately I've come to the realization that it may be lurking deep down inside me somewhere. For a long time I had a problem with caring about things in my life. I don't mean the people (they have all been great for the most part), I mean day to day normal activities. Tasks such as keeping my room clean, eating foods that are at least remotely healthy, and the state of our last apartment. I will admit that I'm sure this has at least some correlation with smoking weed but I think it goes deeper than that. I couldn't even be bothered to wash my face or sometimes even brush my teeth. I still find it difficult to do these things sometimes, but I am working towards creating healthier habits.

A major part of creating good habits is understanding the reasons behind the old habits and way of living. For myself, I believe a majority of my problems stem from a self esteem that is almost completely nonexistent. I think my self image has been sanded down to dust over many years and I remember very clearly the first time it was completely shattered. To this day I still find it hard to talk about and it occurred over a decade ago.

In grade five, I started at a school that I went to in grade one but hadn't attended since. I remember it being hard to make friends and I spent most of my lunch and recess watching the other children from a bit of a distance and hanging around by myself. I wanted to find the 'cool' girls and hoped I could make friends with them. To my surprise, I befriended one of the popular girls whose name was Katelynn. I played soccer with her and her friends every recess and thought we were pretty close.

One day, when I walked into the change room to change for gym, I realized all the girls in there were whispering and laughing but seemed to stop abruptly when I entered. I knew immediately everyone was talking about me. I can't exactly recall how I found this out, but Katelynn had passed a note around telling everyone that I looked like I was pregnant because my stomach was so huge.

I don't remember much else about that day but I know I cried the whole rest of the day and into the night. I was hurt and so humiliated; I can still feel the sting of that humiliation on my cheeks. It was the first time I remember realizing that I was fat and it was the first time I felt hate for the body I was in.